When Cover-Ups Work

What to do when some is successful at being a shit? Psychiatrist Sally Satel gives a few hints. In her practice, war veterans who didn’t want her services put her off by asking, If you weren’t in the war, how can you possibly understand me?

This worked. Sally and other psychiatrists on her team were stopped in their tracks. They apologized. They couldn’t think of a thing to say. Bingo! The wily vets had hit hot buttons. The shrinks backed off. The vets had succeeded in their cover-ups.

Eventually, the psychiatrist found that the men had reasons for putting them off. One man was covering up a heroin addiction.

Another veteran addressed his psychiatrist as “College Boy” at the beginning of each session. It turned out the veteran thought his own life was a mess.

Yet, another veteran peppered Sally with questions about the Viet Nam War. What date was the Tet offensive? Who was court marshaled for My Lai? Have you ever lived in a tunnel?

Sally reacted defensively at first. Then she told the veteran that she didn’t know these things and asked him to tell her all about his war experiences.

He did. They formed a bond. Eventually, he opened up about his troubles with his daughter. As they worked together, things got better between him and his daughter.

The same tactic worked with veterans who said psychiatrists weren’t in the war and questioned whether psychiatrists understand what it's like. The psychiatrists learned to say that they didn't, but I'd like to know what you went through.

This might not always work. No one went wrong when honest and direct in gentle ways.

A tactic for the veteran who called the psychiatrist “College Boy” would be to say, Yes, I am a college boy. What do you think of college boys?

Rarely does it work to get angry and defensive at cover-ups. It’s better to acknowledge the truth of someone else’s point of view and ask for elaboration.

In some cases, people are not covering up unkind deeds. They are covering up something that they are ashamed of, which is different from refusing responsibility for hurting another person.

Maybe they are not shits at all, but something else.
I wonder what would be a good name for them?

Shame can be consuming. People can ruminate on what is bothering them so much that they shut other people out. Then they get deeper into themselves and more cut off. They may get to the point where they see no way out.

The next time someone reacts angrily, think, What is going on here? Is this person covering up?

Most of us are too quick to blame ourselves. How self-centered we are when we blame ourselves for someone else's actions and words.

We are not the center of the universe. We do not cause other people’s behaviors. We are not that powerful. We are not that important.

De-center. Think about the other person. What is going on for that other person. Be willing to look at your own contributions. Often someone else's angry cover-ups have nothing to do with you!

See Sally Satel's article in today's New York Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/12/health/psychology/12essa.html?_r=1&oref=slogin